"When I went to school, kids were baby goats."
"If you want to have a special Christmas and put Christ back in Christmas, go to the Hospice Savannah Tree of Light next year. It's really heartwarming."
"Please change the print size and everything on the Sudoku puzzle back to what it was. I have eye problems and this is very difficult to see, so please change that back."
"To the caller that was trying to buy Chantix for $430: Give her a vaporizer for Christmas and taper down the nicotine levels. It works, trust me."
"I went to the Ron White show at the Civic Center. I really couldn't enjoy the show because the security guards were constantly going up and down the aisles trying to get stupid people to turn off their cellphones. What a waste."
"Al Franken is a third-rate comedian. How on Earth did he ever get elected to Congress? He's an embarrassment to the country."
"Great news, we got a 2 percent increase in Social Security. Medicare got $24 of that increase and we got $7, whoopee!"
"When did the age of 70 become elderly, according to your newspaper?"